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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897962">Death's Birthday</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz'>Inrainbowz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Brother To You [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I mean it, I'm sorry this is gonna hurt, Trauma, Traumatized Uchiha Sasuke, no kidding heh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:00:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897962</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a year. For Sasuke's clan.</p><p>(Part 5 of that AU where Naruto and Sasuke adopt each other during the Academy days)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Umino Iruka, Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto, Umino Iruka &amp; Uzumaki Naruko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Brother To You [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1151954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>311</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1037</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SQ74's Naruto Favs</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So. I'm warning you, this will most likely be the saddest and heaviest installment of this series. Sasuke's been doing better lately, but he's not fine at all, and this is gonna hit hard. I promise it'll get better 'cause we're all about that around here, but damn is this painful to write.</p><p>Title comes from that in french, we have the same word for birthday and anniversary, and it's "anniversaire". So it's not uncommon for French people to mix them up. This is, of course, an anniversary of death, and specifically, the one-year anniversary of the Uchiha massacre.</p><p>Loads of fun we're gonna have. I hope you'll enjoy still.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Naruto had looked determined, sure of himself when he had asked, but now that it was time to actually take his request to Iruka-sensei, he reached out, probably without even meaning to, to grab Shikamaru’s hand.</p><p>The contact was strange, or unusual at least, but not unwelcome. Shikamaru didn’t take his hand back, and he followed his friend dutifully to the front of the class, while the rest filled out for the day.</p><p>Iruka had sent Sasuke back home earlier today, finding him sickly-looking and pale enough to cause alarm. More alarming even was how little the boy had protested, and how knowing Naruto had looked, watching his friend leave the school, visibly struggling to stay put and not follow. He had come for Shikamaru right after, purposeful despite not being able to quite get their eyes to meet.</p><p>Shikamaru didn’t like that Naruto had thought maybe he would refuse him. He wouldn’t. Certainly not in this, and probably not in anything else either. It would maybe become a problem at some point, but for now, Shikamaru was content to give Naruto what he wanted.</p><p>They had a lifetime of him being denied to make up for after all. He felt like he could indulge.</p><p>“Did you need something, Naruto?” Iruka asked.</p><p>Ah. They had been standing next to his desk without a word long enough for it to become awkward. Naruto was meeting their teacher’s gaze straight on, but it took him a while to muster up an answer.</p><p>“Sasuke and me, we won’t be coming to school next week.”</p><p>Iruka-sensei raised a perplexed eyebrow, but he kept the disproval at bay while waiting for Naruto’s explanation.</p><p>This was why he was their favorite teacher.</p><p>“Why? Is there something wrong?” he pried gently, feeling Naruto needed the prompting. He squeezed Shikamaru’s hand. Shikamaru squeezed back.</p><p>“It’s…” Naruto felt around for his words, face scrunched up in concentration. “It’s… death’s birthday.”</p><p>Iruka frowned, puzzled, and Naruto cast a helpless look at Shikamaru, who had been making an effort not to step in. But if Naruto asked…</p><p>“It’s the anniversary of the Uchiha clan’s… downfall.”</p><p>They used other words sometimes – slaughter, massacre. Downfall felt tame in comparison, too light for such a tragedy, but more respectful too, and maybe more encompassing of all the consequences on that night. It wasn’t only death – death, people could get over.</p><p>Understanding dawned on their teacher’s face and it was quickly flooded with guilt at not having caught up. But apart from Sasuke and Naruto, who really knew about that date?</p><p>Who really cared?</p><p>Shikamaru relaxed his grip when Naruto cast him a questioning look.</p><p>“Shikamaru will keep us posted!” Naruto exclaimed, launching in an argument Shikamaru personally thought he didn’t need to make and shouldn’t have to, but he had been adamant. “He will bring us his notes and the homework and we won’t fall behind, I swear.”</p><p>Then again, maybe it was on Sasuke’s request. Shikamaru remembered spending the day away with him on his father’s birthday, and how angry he had been with himself at needing the company, the comfort. No doubt did he feel bad here too, for being sad, for needing the time out. Maybe it was Naruto who had convinced him it would be fine, who had come up with the excuse of Shikamaru relaying their schoolwork to them, so that Sasuke would agree to miss out.</p><p>Iruka seemed to share Shikamaru’s feelings that this was unnecessary, but again he knew not to say anything and simply agreed, easy and smiling, going with Naruto’s whim as he always did. Naruto breathed out a sigh of relief and let go of Shikamaru’s hand.</p><p>Shikamaru fought the strange urge to snatch it back.</p><p>“Come to me if you need anything,” Iruka told Naruto, hands on his shoulders to make sure their eyes would meet and the message would sink in. Naruto agreed, but they would probably deal with it between the two of them. Iruka would probably check up on them anyway, but he’d know to stay discreet, as Sasuke wouldn’t like to be seen in such a vulnerable state.</p><p>Shikamaru caught Iruka’s eyes when Naruto was making his goodbyes.</p><p>“You coming?” Naruto asked, when Shikamaru didn’t follow him out of the room.</p><p>“In a minute.”</p><p>The boy cast him a puzzled look but didn’t comment. Shikamaru found himself alone with Iruka-sensei, and he was the one who had something to say, but it was the teacher who started, after an awkward silence where Shikamaru struggled with his words like he rarely did.</p><p>“You’ll keep an eye on them, right?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Iruka sighed, weary and tired, but he smiled kindly at Shikamaru when he focused back on him.</p><p>“Are you alright?”</p><p>It was a weird question. This wasn’t about him, right? Yet he had stayed behind. He did want to talk – another rarity for him.</p><p>“I just want to help.”</p><p>“You are.”</p><p><em>It’s not enough,</em> he wanted to say, frustrated. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much, but the thing was, all Shikamaru aspired to in life was to live in peace with his friends. He had no ambition of greatness, no wish to become more than what he was now, if they could just lay down in the grass and enjoy the sun, and not worry too much.</p><p>If they could just be happy.</p><p>It was strange and unpleasant to realize that it was much harder a wish to fulfill than he thought.</p><p>“Just keep being a good friend, Shikamaru.”</p><p>He scoffed. He didn’t need to be told.</p><p>.</p><p>Shikamaru said it was like a storm.</p><p>Not an actual storm. It was… a metaphor. That’s what he said.</p><p>It was like a storm. The sky was mostly clear for now, but dark clouds were gathering on the horizon, and there was no doubt they would be upon them soon. A big, heavy storm.</p><p>Scary, but sure to pass eventually, Shikamaru said.</p><p>There was nothing else to do but wait it out.</p><p>Naruto thought he could see the clouds, growing bigger and heavier as the days passed and the date grew closer. The thing was, people could prepare for a storm. They would bring the flowers in and put a cover on the ones planted outside, they would move their things upstairs or elsewhere if they lived on the ground floor, in case water flooded the streets.</p><p>But they couldn’t be prepared for everything.</p><p>A few years ago the wind had been so hard one day that it had toppled several lampposts and electric poles in the village, that broke windows and roofs when they crashed down. There was no preparing for that.</p><p>And the storm would pass because they always did, but what of the damage left behind? How long to fix them up, if they even could? Long enough that the next storm would be upon them?</p><p>Naruto was afraid of Sasuke’s pain.</p><p>He was afraid and he hated it too, hated that they couldn’t fight it, that it took so much space in their life and in Sasuke’s mind. Sometimes it abated a little, but it was never gone – it showed up at all times, unprompted and random, and it didn’t easily leave. Naruto wished he could shelter them both from the storm, take them to a place that was sure to be sturdy and warm, that would hold on no matter what.</p><p>He couldn’t, and he could only wait and see, if the roof would topple over their head, if lightening would set fire to their home, if water would rise high, high, high enough to drown them.</p><p>Wait in fear for the current to drag Sasuke away from him.</p><p>But it would be okay, it had to. He knew what he had to protect. Their home would stand. They would find their way back.</p><p>.</p><p>It was absurd, this date thing.</p><p>Why did it have to matter so much, if a whole year had passed? Why was the day coming again? Why did they have to mark the passing of the years? If they didn’t, there wouldn’t be any birthday to celebrate. He would have to remember anything.</p><p>Why was he made to feel even worse than he usually did, just because spring was coming? They had watched the winter pass holed up in their apartment, snow had come and gone, and now…</p><p>It wasn’t fair that this would creep on him like this and that he couldn't fight it in any way. </p><p>Soon, it would be a year.</p><p>A whole year. A whole year without his parents, his family, his clan. A whole year with the images of blood-splattered walls and torn-up bodies engraved in his mind, replaying again and again at the most random times.</p><p>The first year of many to come.</p><p>One day, he pondered, one day it would be more years like this than like before. More years in the “after”.</p><p>More years on his own.</p><p>“Sasuke, you awake?”</p><p>Or well, not on his own exactly.</p><p>He didn’t answer. Speaking felt insurmountable right now, as well as getting up, or just moving a single finger. He felt crushed under the weight of his emotions, and at the same time strangely detached from them, like they were really a physical force outside of his body, heavy but cold, unfathomable. He felt numb to it, everything trying to push in at once and ending up stuck at the doors, but it’s not like he could ignore them then, because he was anxiously waiting to see which one would burst in first. And maybe if he stayed still and didn’t move, if he didn’t jostle them, everything would remain as it was, and he wouldn’t have to feel a thing.</p><p>"There's food if you want," Naruto said through the door before retreating to the kitchen. Sasuke could picture him hesitating on the other side, dying to enter and see for himself how Sasuke was faring but refraining, knowing it could be unwelcome. Naruto was great at putting other’s feelings and wished before his own.</p><p>Too great, sometimes.</p><p>Sasuke almost got up then, just to reassure him, show him he was fine, that he could stop worrying. But he was so tired. He just wanted to sleep, so that he would stop feeling, stop caring, so that he could get some reprieve, at last.</p><p>Sleep, and never wake up.</p><p>.</p><p>Sasuke woke up. He had breakfast with his parents, he went to school. He stayed out late to train. He came back home, only to find it gone, to see his whole world go up in flame, blood drying on the floor and walls, death all around. He watched in abject horror his beloved brother, the most important person in his life, slaughter all the other people on that list, again, and again, and <em>again</em>. Sasuke awoke his Sharingan, as if he needed to see in any sharper details the end of all he knew, as if it would do him any good now when no one would congratulate him, no would teach him to use it, no one would <em>care</em>. He closed his eyes and ran, ran, wishing all of it away, begging, begging for it to disappear, until it was just too much and he passed out among the corpses of his clan, his sleep to their death, the only one left alive.</p><p>Sasuke woke up. It was a year today.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Here comes the grief.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There is no pattern to how I work on this fic this was done like weeks ago I just added the last two missing lines and called it a day lol. Also someone was kind enough to beta the series so far but I still haven't uploaded the updated version cause I'm the worst. I'll do it soon.</p><p>Anyway a warning to y'all, heavy angst ahead, and I do mean heavy. Grief and lashing out and suffering all around but for Sasuke specifically of course. I'm sorry. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They stood in front of the stele.</p><p>It wasn’t raining. It should have, no? How come the day was so unusually sunny and clear so early in March?</p><p>How come people walked the streets, going about their lives without a care in the world? How come they could move, talk, smile and laugh, go to the grocery store, go to work, visit their family and friends?</p><p>How come, when Sasuke’s clan couldn’t, and Sasuke couldn’t either?</p><p>They stood in front of the stele. Someone was keeping it clean – not him, he hadn’t been back since his mother's birthday. They brought flowers, Naruto picked them at the Yamanaka shop. He helped out there, he liked it too. Had he paid for it? He probably had. Probably with his own money. Sasuke would need to check.</p><p>White chrysanthemum. One bouquet, one stele. For dozens of names. For hundreds of tears.</p><p>He had thought about just staying in bed all day, but he was scared someone would come looking for him, would try to offer condolences or support or equally meaningless gestures and words. Surely they wouldn’t bother him here.</p><p>Surely if he stayed among the dead, he would find some peace at last.</p><p>They stood in front of the stele. Sasuke’s eyes were dry. By his side, Naruto was sobbing quietly.</p><p>Sasuke was mad at him for giving him the urge to try and comfort him, but he couldn’t act on it, any of it. He stood numb and unseeing, struggling to make sense of the maelstrom of his thoughts.</p><p>He was surprised by the strength of his own grief. He had almost…</p><p>Things had been easier. Things had been easier, hadn’t they?</p><p>Things had been easier. He ate, he slept even. He went to school and it wasn’t so bad, he stayed out after class, to spend time with his friends.</p><p>Sometimes, he even smiled.</p><p>Sometimes, he forgot.</p><p>Ah, here it was then. The emotion that would take precedence over all the others. It wasn’t surprising though, was it? It always ended up this way.</p><p>He tightened his fists, his whole body tensing up, going rigid, locking down. His vision blurred and his hearing too, the world faded around him.</p><p>“Go away.”</p><p>Sasuke didn’t know rage, before just a year ago.</p><p>“Wh-what?”</p><p>“Go away.”</p><p>Things had been easier. He forgot, sometimes. Naruto dragged him to Ichiraku, Naruto invited their friends to study in their already cluttered living room, but he didn’t make Sasuke sit with them, Sasuke kept to his corner and didn’t join, he just listened, let their chatter and laugh wash over him, and he…</p><p>He <em>forgot</em>.</p><p>“Go away, go away!”</p><p>It wasn’t allowed. He had no right, no right. Only a year, a year! A year and he smiled already, he slept at night, he managed not to think about it, maybe for hours on end. He didn’t train as hard, he didn’t focus on what he should have.</p><p>It was all Naruto’s fault.</p><p>“Go away, it’s your fault!”</p><p>“I don’t…”</p><p>“It’s your fault I wasn’t sad! They’re still here, don’t you understand? They’re still here. They’ll always be. And you… no matter what you do, they won’t go away. I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t…”</p><p>He pushed him back because the other boy was rooted to the spot and Sasuke couldn’t look at him nor have him near right now. He needed him gone.</p><p>“Sasuke…”</p><p>“GO AWAY.”</p><p>A flock of crows flew away, frightened by the outburst, and Naruto did too.</p><p>The golden flash of his hair vanished beyond the cemetery gates and Sasuke was alone. He fell to the ground and curled up against the cold stone.</p><p>He needed his mother’s arms around him, and her hand into his hair, and her voice, to tell him it would be fine, and her fingers on his face to wipe out his tears, and he needed his father to ruffle his hair, to talk about the clan and how it would sustain them, always.</p><p>And he needed his brother to smile at him from the garden, to touch his forehead and promise him that if not now, there was always later, because they had the time, all the time they could need, and it would never stop.</p><p>He wouldn’t get any of it, never.</p><p>He should never have left the Uchiha compound. What was the point, if he was to suffer this much anyway? He felt like his head was splitting open and Naruto would be hurting too now and Sasuke didn’t want to care, he didn’t, he couldn’t.</p><p>It was too much. It was too much, he was too small and too weak, he couldn’t bear it all. He was so small, so small, surely feelings had to be spilling out of him right now, he couldn’t possibly contain them all.</p><p>No more love, he had promised himself, when he had gone back to his house after leaving the hospital. No more love, ever, it wasn’t worth it, it wasn’t worth all that pain. He didn’t want to care anymore, about anything. If only he could stop feeling, if only it could all dissolve into nothing and leave him empty and shallow, so that none of that could reach him.</p><p>If only his name was on the stele too. Why did he have to feel all this. Why did he have to endure. What terrible wrong had he done in a past life to deserve such a fate, how was he supposed to live with it.</p><p>How was he supposed to live.</p><p>
  <em>“Cling to your pitiful life.”</em>
</p><p>He kept seeing it, he kept hearing it too. It wouldn’t go away. Things had been easier. But it wouldn’t go away. Why? Why?</p><p>
  <em>“There is no value in killing the likes of you.”</em>
</p><p>Was he so terrible that he didn’t deserve to die with everyone else?</p><p>
  <em>“If you want to kill me…”</em>
</p><p>Was it the only reason he was still alive?</p><p>What was the point if it still hurt so much, what could he ever do, was he condemned to feel this way, always?</p><p>Was it punishment, for wishing it would stop, for welcoming the change?</p><p>For things getting easier?</p><p>If getting better only made it worse, he ought to stay down then. Maybe it was foolish of him, to ever hope, to wish. How could he dare, when all were dead and he was the only one left to earn them any form of justice? How could he be allowed any reprieve, any peace, while their murderer walked this world freely?</p><p>Maybe Sasuke was wrong to think he could escape.</p><p>He curled up tighter against the stele, wishing for the ground to swallow him whole.</p><p>.</p><p>Iruka knocked on the boys’ door. He couldn’t stay away in the end, he had to check on them, just a minute, just to be sure.</p><p>The light was on, but there was no answer. There was no noise coming from the other side of the door. He held on a grand total of ten seconds before trying the handle.</p><p>It wasn’t locked.</p><p>Naruto looked up from where he was staring blankly at the kitchen table. His hopeful expression crumbled when he recognized Iruka in the threshold and he looked back down, unmoving.</p><p>“Naruto? What are you doing? Where is Sasuke?”</p><p>The boy tensed up but didn’t answer. Iruka walked further in, slowly, as he knew the boys could be quite particular about who got into their apartment and when. Naruto didn’t try to stop him. He didn’t do anything at all.</p><p>“Naruto?”</p><p>“I’m waiting.”</p><p>He was wringing his hands together, swinging his feet back and forth, almost bouncing on his chair. All telltale signs that he itched to move but forced himself not to – that’s how he spent almost every last hour of the schooldays, and sometimes Iruka found excuses to send him out on one errand or another because it was almost painful to see him so jittery.</p><p>“Waiting for what? Naruto, where is Sasuke?”</p><p>The young Uchiha couldn’t be left on his own right now. It was very surprising, to see them apart in these circumstances.</p><p>Surprising, and worrying too.</p><p>Iruka made to turn, to go find the boy or send someone on his track.</p><p>“Don’t!”</p><p>Naruto had jumped to his feet, hands flat on the table. He was shaking.</p><p>“I need to find him, Naruto.”</p><p>“No. No.”</p><p>“Do you know where he is?”</p><p>Naruto nodded, though he wouldn’t cross his gaze.</p><p>“Why are you here then?”</p><p>“I’m waiting.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Sasuke knows the way.”</p><p>He was talking to himself more than to Iruka, spacing out. Iruka waited for him to go on.</p><p>“Sasuke knows the way back. He does.”</p><p>What could he be talking about? Iruka doubted there was a place in the village they could get lost enough that this could be put into question.</p><p>“He’ll find his way back. But I can’t help him. I want to but… I’ll only make things worse.”</p><p>There weren't that many places Sasuke could be. Iruka had a hard time imagining the state he had to be in, alone and unbalanced enough that he had managed to push Naruto to leave his side.</p><p>“He needs to remember. Then he’ll come back. You’ll see.”</p><p>But Naruto didn’t look so sure.</p><p>Iruka waited for him to fall asleep at the small table. He carried him to his bed, certain that it would wake him, but the boy just mumbled some nonsense and settled for the night. Iruka tucked him in, overwhelmed with a swell of emotions he had a hard time repressing. He couldn’t help watch Naruto sleep for a little while, wondering where it came from, when it had grown so big, this urge to comfort and protect him, to make his life sweeter.</p><p>He stepped out on the small balcony at the end of the corridor. Storm clouds were overtaking the sky, hiding the stars – not that they could really see them here in the heart of the village.</p><p>“I know you’re here,” he called, probably failing to hide the irritation in his voice.</p><p>Kakashi dropped from the roof onto the railway.</p><p>“Yo.”</p><p>“Can you find Sasuke?”</p><p>“I know where he is.”</p><p>Ah, of course he did. He shadowed the kids all the time, watching from afar. Iruka had given up on trying to get him to actually talk to them.</p><p>He had to accept Kakashi didn’t have the strength. But they had so little support already.</p><p>“Bring him back to my place.”</p><p>“Not here?”</p><p>
  <em>“He’ll find his way back.”</em>
</p><p>Iruka couldn’t presume to understand what was going on between the two boys. Naruto was the one who had managed to break Sasuke out of the haze of his grief, he understood him better than any of them could hope to.</p><p>“Not yet.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“Come fetch me after. I'll go home, and you’ll look after Naruto.”</p><p>It wasn’t a question. Kakashi still could have opposed it, but he didn’t. Small victory.</p><p>He disappeared in a puff, and Iruka resolved to wait.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Things can only go up from here I swear. </p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://inrainprose.tumblr.com">tumblr</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Feelings are a pain.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As I mentioned on my tumblr, this chapter was delayed because of flash drive fuckery, sorry about that. But also because it doesn't occur to me to work on this fic lol. But anyway, back with some more angst and feels! This part should be one or two more chapters, and then I'll think about what I want to do with this series. I have some general canon divergence I would work in if I wrote it properly, but I might just leave you with a bunch of notes and be done with it. Sorry, there's only so much heavy canon rewrite I can manage at the same time...</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“My weak, weak, weak little brother. If you want that power, if you want to get what it takes to get me, you will have to pay the price. You will have to sever all ties, to cast it all aside. The person you cherish the most, you will have to…”</em>
</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>“No!”</p>
<p>Sasuke sprung awake with a broken, pathetic scream and immediately started to panic.</p>
<p>Iruka was expecting it, and he had barely closed an eye all night, worried he wouldn’t be operational when Sasuke came back to himself. The boy had tossed and turned and whined through most of the night, without waking up – until now.</p>
<p>“Everything is fine, Sasuke. You’re at my place. You’re safe.”</p>
<p>“Where is Naruto?”</p>
<p>The boy was soaked with sweat and breathing with great difficulties, twitching and trembling as if he was in shock. He settled down slightly when his eyes focused on Iruka and he seemed to finally recognize him.</p>
<p>“Naruto is back at home. He’s okay. He’s waiting for you.”</p>
<p>“I need to see him, I need to… I said… I didn’t mean it. I have to tell him. I didn’t mean it, it wasn’t true. I hurt him. I need to see him.”</p>
<p>“You need to calm down first. And eat something.”</p>
<p>“Is he alone? Is he alone?”</p>
<p>“No, no. My friend Kakashi is with him – you know who that is?”</p>
<p>Sasuke nodded slowly and relaxed just a fraction. He seemed at a loss for what to do next, the panic crippling to the point he couldn’t move at all.</p>
<p>Iruka rested a light hand on his shoulder, both to anchor him and try for a modicum comfort. It made him jump.</p>
<p>“Let’s eat something. Then I'll take you back home, how does that sound?”</p>
<p>To Iruka’s surprise, Sasuke hesitated then. He bit into his lower lip, face pinched, but he didn’t say another word.</p>
<p>Iruka figured it could wait. He sent the boy to wash his face and hands while he scrambled up some miso soup for them to share. He was a little embarrassed to have nothing more to offer, but Sasuke maybe couldn’t stomach anything else anyway. They sat at the kitchen counter, as they had done a few times now, when Sasuke needed some advice. He didn’t ask a thing this time – he ate dutifully, neat and silent. It was too reminiscent of how he had been, right after, quiet and removed, looking like nothing could ever get through to him again.</p>
<p>“Should we go then?” Iruka asked once both their bowl were empty. It was unexpected – but then again, maybe it wasn’t – when Sasuke looked away, frowning.</p>
<p>“Can’t I stay?”</p>
<p>“You can. I can have Kakashi bringing Naruto here.”</p>
<p>Iruka wanted to test it, to see if home was the problem, or if the other boy there was. He got his answer when Sasuke tensed up, and, barely audible, breathed out a soft “no.”</p>
<p>“Naruto won’t be mad at you, if that’s what you’re worried about. Or if he is, he’ll forgive you.”</p>
<p>“I know that.”</p>
<p>“What is the issue then?”</p>
<p>"What makes you think I‘m the one who should seek forgiveness? What if I’m the one who’s mad?”</p>
<p>Iruka didn't comment that given Sasuke’s state of frenzy when he woke up, his question wasn’t really in good faith. It wouldn’t help to point it out though – Sasuke was on the defensive, getting worked up in the way he did when he felt cornered, helpless.</p>
<p>“What did he do then?” Iruka asked instead, willing to play along. “To make you mad.”</p>
<p>Sasuke faltered a little. It made him sulky when people didn't rise to his anger. Naruto, of course, was great at that, and not even on purpose. He didn’t consciously try to deescalate Sasuke’s volatile emotions, like an adult would. It was as if anger wasn’t programmed into his emotional range, and he could only answer to Sasuke’s with concern, confusion, or guilt. Sasuke disliked that, though Iruka doubted he understood why – doubted he knew where it came from, why Naruto was so accommodating and docile.</p>
<p>Still, it angered him. “<em>You should be angry more”</em>, Iruka had heard Sasuke say to his friend more than once. Sometimes, Naruto would shoot back that Sasuke should be less, or that he was enough for them both already.</p>
<p>More often, he just shrugged.</p>
<p>Sasuke thought long and hard about his answer, and the longer he thought, the longer the rage settled back down, leaving him a little defeated, ashamed maybe.</p>
<p>“He... He made me be happy.”</p>
<p>Iruka had feared Sasuke’s mind would go there.</p>
<p>“And it’s a bad thing?”</p>
<p>“Yes!”</p>
<p>Sasuke recoiled at his own outburst, huffing out a frustrated sigh.</p>
<p>“No, I mean... He didn’t do anything bad. But I... I shouldn’t have, I can't. I can’t be happy.”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>His frown deepened in the typical face children made when they were frustrated the adults around them just didn’t <em>get it</em>. It was amusing to Iruka, because he did get it, and they couldn’t tell he asked because he wanted them to say it, not because he needed them to explain it to him. He remembered this feeling well, from when he was a child himself – the sensation that no matter what he said, it wouldn’t convey what he felt, that surely no one else had ever felt the way he did and no one would be able to understand it.</p>
<p>He knew very well why Sasuke thought he didn’t have a right to be happy. What mattered was whether or not Sasuke knew himself.</p>
<p>“Don't you get it? I need to focus. They’re all... I’m the only one left. I can’t just let it go, I can’t... I’m the only one left.”</p>
<p>He had hinted at vengeance before, and it was surely foolish to hope he would manage to let it go.</p>
<p>“As long as he’s still out there... How could I think about something else? I have to avenge my family and my clan. I can’t let him just be in this world. I can’t do nothing about it!”</p>
<p>Once again, he seemed a little self-conscious about being so expansive, faced with Iruka’s tranquil demeanor. He was usually more reserved with his feelings – he had to be truly distressed, to let it all out so easily.</p>
<p>“Okay. You want to bring justice to your clan then. What does it have to do with Naruto?”</p>
<p>“He’s... He’s a distraction. He made me... I don’t have time for anything else. I can’t afford to...”</p>
<p>“But you train a lot together, don’t you? You even got other students to help you. You’ve both improved. You’re still the best of your age, and better than the average best of your age is. I know you want to be stronger. Why is it that you can’t be happy until then?”</p>
<p>This one was a little harder for the boy to answer, conviction faltering a little. Because it wasn’t linked, not truly. That he believed Naruto to be a hindrance to his focus was one thing. That he thought he was not allowed nor deserving of smiling again, that was another entirely.</p>
<p>“My... My parents are dead. And my cousins, and my friends, they’re all gone. And I’m still here. I survived.”</p>
<p>He had to carry it all. The lives they wouldn’t get to live, the feelings they wouldn't get to feel. Iruka could only imagine how heavy it was on Sasuke’s shoulder, how helpless he was with that burden, how unable he was to put it down. What a betrayal he thought it would be, to not think about it, to manage to forget, even for a moment.</p>
<p>“Alright, then tell me, Sasuke. Your parents, if they are watching over you now, do you think they are angry with you?”</p>
<p>For some reason the question took the boy completely off guard. He stared at Iruka like he had just invented the wheel before his very eyes. The man pressed on.</p>
<p>“Do you think they are mad, when you laugh with your friends, when you don’t think about them?”</p>
<p>Sasuke had held on well enough until then, but it was the last straw, it seemed. His eyes welled-up, expressing a strange mix of grief and relief, as if it hadn’t occurred to him until now to think about his parents as they used to be – alive, loving. It probably hadn’t. Did he have memories that were not tainted, images that weren’t twisted by the duty he had decided to take upon himself?</p>
<p>Iruka had to make him understand. That the voices in his head were only his. And his brother's too, maybe, but this one would be harder to shake off. Small steps.</p>
<p>“I’m scared,” he said, voice trembling. The tears fell without a sound, without a move. He didn’t even wipe them away. “I'm scared that I’ll forget. I’m scared.”</p>
<p>Tragically, Iruka doubted that could ever happen, even if it would have been a good thing, despite the anguish it caused Sasuke now. He reached out before he could stop himself, to run a thumb under the boy’s eyes, to catch the ears. Sasuke’s eyes widened, but he didn’t pull away.</p>
<p>“You won’t, if you don’t want to. But you can remember while still wishing it wouldn’t hurt so, Sasuke. You were right to look for comfort. You are allowed to want to feel better.”</p>
<p>Someone ought to have said it to him a lot sooner, Iruka thought desperately. They had stopped insisting on therapy so easily, after a few sessions of absolute mutism on the boy’s part, his reluctance to even ben in the presence of others, adults in particular.</p>
<p>“Sasuke. Do you remember the doctor Yamanaka?”</p>
<p>The boy was too polite to grimace outright, but he wrinkled his nose.</p>
<p>“Ino’s mother?”</p>
<p>“She’s a psychiatrist. She helps people dealing with what’s going on in their head. That’s why we took you to her then. I think it would be a good idea, that you see her again.”</p>
<p>Iruka was prepared for an uphill battle – at least he had some hope it would be easier than with grown-ass shinobi incapable of admitting even to themselves that they might have a problem processing certain things. Yamanaka Sayori and her colleagues had been campaigning for some time now, to make mandatory some sort of regular check-up with the psychiatric department, for all shinobi, particularly after difficult missions. But most of them were at best not interested, at worst outright hostile to the idea. She had robbed Iruka into letting her teach the basics of psychology and mental health care to the kids at the Academy – under the guise of a course on psychological warfare, so that it would be approved higher up.</p>
<p>Iruka didn't like to think about the distrust his fellow shinobi had toward any form of introspection and self-reflection. He understood why it scared them, and he didn’t feel like it was his place to judge or advocate for it, seeing that he had not been on a mission higher than C-ranking in his life, and not for years either. It remained frustrating.</p>
<p>Beyond that, the reluctance of their hierarchy was disheartening and incomprehensible – couldn’t they see how needed it was? Whatever. It would start with the kids, if it had to.</p>
<p>“She can’t help me,” Sasuke professed with all the confidence of a nine-year-old.</p>
<p>“She can,” Iruka replied firmly, slipping into his teacher’s voice without even realizing it. It commended Sasuke’s attention immediately as he, too, slipped into his student’s mindset. Iruka was grateful and humbled, once more, by the trust the boy had in him.</p>
<p>“It’s not about trivializing what happened to you, but there are ways that people react to certain events, that can be similar and even predicted. And there are ways to deal with those reactions.”</p>
<p>Where would it even begin with him? Survivor’s guilt, PTSD... And there was no doubt more to come in his future. A recipe for disaster, if they didn’t do something about it. He was already hurting himself, and others. But he was more receptive now than he had been a year ago. Iruka had to bet on this</p>
<p>“It would all stay between you and her, or whatever doctor you choose to see. No one but you two in the known.”</p>
<p>He could tell it was a worthwhile argument, judging by the boy’s now pensive expression.</p>
<p>“Would I have to tell them everything?”</p>
<p>“No. Only what you’re comfortable with. You could give it a try. You won’t be forced to keep going if you don’t like it. You’re free to choose. Just like you’re free to go back to living on your own, if you want to.”</p>
<p>Sasuke looked surprised, and Iruka tried not to let it show how truly terrible an idea he thought that would be. It had to be Sasuke's choice. He had to be convinced of it.</p>
<p>“You have to know though, that it will be quite hard on you, and it will be on Naruto too.”</p>
<p>Iruka didn’t want to guilt the boy into his decision. Still, Naruto was the reason behind a lot of his efforts to open up and move on. They cared about each other. Surely it was alright to remind him of that.</p>
<p>“I'm sure he won’t say a thing,“ Sasuke said, tone bitter. “If I tell him I’m leaving, he will feel really bad, but he won’t say.”</p>
<p>Iruka couldn't argue with that.</p>
<p>“Sensei, shouldn’t Naruto go see doctor Yamanaka too?”</p>
<p>Iruka didn’t think the boy would come to that conclusion, would draw the parallel so quickly. That was a good sign.</p>
<p>“Yes, I think he should.”</p>
<p>“I hurt him. With my words. But he won’t say anything.”</p>
<p>“It’s easy to hurt others, when we’re hurt ourselves.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want him to hurt. I think... I think there is a lot I could do. So that he wouldn’t hurt.”</p>
<p>And that would maybe be a problem of its own down the line, but for now Iruka was ready to call it a blessing. He remembered the concerns raised by some of the jounin regarding the situation – <em>“what if they become dependent on each other? What if we can’t go back?”</em>. And he had wanted to answer, "what of it?". Were any of them coping better with their own issues? Naruto and Sasuke were just two lonely, traumatized kids finding comfort in each other, and Iruka could never see it as doing more bad than good.</p>
<p>“It’s alright if that’s what it takes. If you can’t be happy for yourself, then you can do it for him. It’s enough for now.”</p>
<p>After all, Iruka had seen it many times before. Parents holding on for their children, promises to teammates and friends, to carry on, to fight. They leaned on what they could.</p>
<p>“Sometimes I think it’s not worth it,” Sasuke confessed in a whisper. Iruka didn’t miss a beat.</p>
<p>“Isn’t it nice, when Naruto smile?”</p>
<p>Sasuke couldn’t stop a smile of his own, however faint, however short-lived. Iruka wanted to believe that in the end Sasuke wouldn’t turn to that path, wouldn’t choose to stop caring altogether. He knew shinobi who had done so before, to tragic results, but Sasuke could be saved still. He wasn’t lost. Iruka wouldn’t let him slip away.</p>
<p>If that was what it took, if that was what could hold him back – protecting Naruto’s fragile heart, making sure no harm came to him – then so be it.</p>
<p>“Sensei...”</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>His face hardened. Sasuke was defiant through his hesitations, as if he was offended by his own doubts. Talking was an act of rebellion when he was aware what he wanted to say wouldn’t be well received.</p>
<p>“I’ll kill him. That man.”</p>
<p>He had stopped referring to Itachi as his brother. He didn’t say his name either. It was just “that man” now.</p>
<p>“I know you want to.”</p>
<p>“I have to. As long as he’s alive, as long as he can come back... I’ll kill him, and then my clan will be at peace and I... I‘ll be too.</p>
<p>Iruka was surprised – he had thought vindication was his main motivation. He had failed to consider that Sasuke was simply terrified of Itachi living in the same world he did, that it maybe kept him awake at night, to know the man was out there. All attempts at tracking down the rogue Uchiha had failed, frustratingly enough. It was a little baffling – he couldn't just have disappeared off the face of this earth. Iruka would have liked to believe he was dead, but that would be too good to be true. Without any proof, it didn't even matter that he lived or died – he was brightly alive in Sasuke's mind.</p>
<p>“Aren't you going to tell me I shouldn't?” Sasuke asked when Iruka failed to answer his declaration. That’s why he was on edge, Iruka realized. He expected to have to defend himself. Iruka smiled at him, reassuring.</p>
<p>“Maybe later.”</p>
<p>Sasuke frowned, skeptical, but he didn’t question it further.</p>
<p>Maybe later, when he was ready to hear that Itachi’s actions and fate weren’t his responsibilities, that hunting him would probably hurt him further, that it wasn’t worth it. It would be hypocritical to say it now – Sasuke was right to be scared of the man still, and he was right to wish to seek justice for the lives taken, his and others’. Because Itachi <em>was</em> alive, and he <em>was</em> free. One day something would need to be done about that.</p>
<p>“Are you ready to go home?”</p>
<p>The nervousness came back at the prospect of facing Naruto. Iruka didn’t know what words had been said exactly, but he could take a guess seeing what Sasuke had confessed today.</p>
<p>“<em>He’ll find his way back</em>,” Naruto had said. “<em>I’ll only make it worse.</em>” He had figured out Sasuke wanted to push him away, that he resented him. Maybe he understood it even. Naruto was stranger to no one’s pain.</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Naruto was woken up by some noises from the kitchen. At first, it didn’t register as anything weird. Sasuke was usually the first one awake, and he would start on breakfast on his own and complain later that Naruto never helped, although when Naruto said Sasuke could just wake him up, he grumbled that he wasn’t mean like that.</p>
<p>But then it came back to him. Sasuke wasn’t there.</p>
<p>Alert, he listened more closely. Maybe it was Iruka? Though he was sure Iruka would be more careful in their kitchen, especially if one of them was still asleep.</p>
<p>He tiptoed out of his bedroom and down the corridor.</p>
<p>It wasn’t Iruka.</p>
<p>"Ah, good morning Naruto. Breakfast?“</p>
<p>It was the one-eyed jounin, half his face covered as usual, balancing a few too many plates into his arms. He was still in his jounin uniform, a little rumpled from sleeping on the couch maybe. The quilt was half hanging on the ground - Sasuke wouldn‘t be pleased. The sun was bright already. They had slept late.                               </p>
<p>“Hello.”</p>
<p>Naruto put the quilt back on the couch and sat at the table, eyes trained on the man. Sasuke wasn’t here, but he didn’t know if it was because Iruka had listened to him, or because they couldn’t find his friend at all. Was it possible that Sasuke would leave the village? That he would disappear? Leave Naruto behind? He shivered at the idea, but he tried to hide it, to held back the tears. He didn’t want the man to ask questions.</p>
<p>Fortunately, the jounin wasn’t very talkative. He set two cups of instant ramen on the table, and Naruto wondered what all the puttering and dishes was about if that was all the man could come up with. He wondered if Sasuke would still count it into their weekly ramen quota, since he didn’t eat it.</p>
<p>He wondered if Sasuke would come back at all.</p>
<p>“Sasuke is with Iruka. They should be back soon.”</p>
<p>“You don't know that.”</p>
<p>Naruto ducked into his cup, regretting the rude reply. The man – Naruto couldn't remember his name, or if he even ever knew it – was a jounin still, Naruto could get in trouble if he was unhappy with him.</p>
<p>“I guess. Eat up.”</p>
<p>The man had cooked two cups, but he didn't touch his. He didn't remove his mask. Naruto wanted to protest the waste of noodle, but he managed to hold himself back, figuring it wasn’t worth antagonizing the man, even if it was the last of their stock.</p>
<p>“Why do you think he wouldn’t come back?”</p>
<p>Naruto didn't like how adults asked questions – he could never tell if they were looking for the answer, of it they just wanted him to say it. Well, he could, sometimes. He couldn't with this man, but both options would be equally unnerving – Naruto didn't know him after all.</p>
<p>“He’s sad,” he answered, vague as can be.</p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p>“When I’m sad, I want to be with other people. But when Sasuke is sad, he wants to be alone.”</p>
<p>That was to put it simply. Sasuke didn’t want to be alone just for a short time. He wanted to be alone, period.</p>
<p>He thought it would be easier, and Naruto understood. He had thought so too, sometimes. If there were no people at all, if he cared about no one, maybe he would hurt less. He would still be sad, but he would hurt less. </p>
<p>It was too hard for him. But Sasuke would be able to, he thought. Naruto didn’t want him to go, but Naruto couldn’t compete, couldn’t compare with Sasuke’s entire family and clan. Even if they were dead.</p>
<p>“And you’re cool with that?”</p>
<p>Naruto shrugged. It didn’t really matter if he was. If Sasuke were to stay by his side... Naruto wanted him to want to.</p>
<p>"If you want something," the man said," you can ask."</p>
<p>Could he? From his experience, it didn't work very well.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want Sasuke to feel trapped here. He wanted...</p>
<p>“I want Sasuke to be free.”</p>
<p>What he wouldn’t give to erase the pain from Sasuke’s heart, to go back in time and rewrite it all, so that he wouldn’t hurt so now. He only had vague, fleeting memories of Sasuke <em>before</em>, of the boy trailing after his mother down the market aisles. The Uchiha kept to themselves.</p>
<p>He wondered if they would have become friends. It was doubtful, but the idea was nice all the same. Naruto would have kept living alone, but he would have visited Sasuke in his big house with all his relatives. He would have seen him happy.</p>
<p>The front door opened.</p>
<p>Naruto’s breath got stuck in his throat. He scrambled to his feet and almost fell over – Kaakshi grabbed him by his t-shirt at the last moment, settled him back on his feet. Iruka came in. Sasuke too.</p>
<p>“I'll come back later, if that’s alright with you two,” Iruka said. Naruto tried to nod, or maybe he answered, he couldn't tell. It was hard to focus on anything other than Sasuke’s pale face and tired eyes, on his hands squeezed into too tight fists. It was hard to quench the urge to reach out, to pry it open so that he wouldn't hurt himself.</p>
<p>Naruto didn't move. The two men left, after saying something else, surely. If it was important, Sasuke would tell him later. Or maybe not. Maybe he wasn’t staying. Maybe this was it, he didn’t intend to put up with Naruto anymore, he had had enough.</p>
<p>“I’m home," Sasuke said.</p>
<p>Naruto was already crying.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like other chapters have ended like that haha. Still on the Sasuke's Pain Train, but now some adults are gonna get involved too! Yeeeah. I like how Iruka is <i>that</i> close to drawing the proper conclusions about how the village operates. Maybe I'll write him snapping one day. He and his army of children staging a coup. </p>
<p>Tell me what you think! 'Til next time, hoping (but not promising) it won't take too long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <a href="http://inrainprose.tumblr.com">tumblr</a>
</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It will get worse before it gets better. It does get better though, in several ways, including but not limited to Sasuke getting actual help to deal with his trauma. Wild, I know. </p><p>Tumblr is still <a href="http://inrainprose.tumblr.com">this way</a>. See you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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